The days of meeting your one-night stand at a bar have been replaced by a swipe and some quick exchanges on Tinder. Going lower than the lowest traditional form of meeting someone (remember when “oh you met in a bar” was laced with judgement?) with now trying to rub two dating profiles together is absolutely the fastest way to turn people into meat (not meet) and the best way to ensure the normal folks never ever share a cocktail because of the volume of profiles. All this swiping also sounds dirty. Like a sex act with your phone. “Oh, I right-swiped on her so fast”.
Instead of socializing at a hip Los Angeles bar or wherever the kids drink these days, I am hunched over my laptop answering a 157 question survey about myself to be matched with another slob who is likely also slouched over their laptop on a Friday night. Why bother talking to a guy at a bar when I can anonymously reject/pick up people on my iPhone? I spend hours crafting the perfect, clever profile. Taking great care in ensuring my recent photos made me look like I am having fun…but not too much fun. They can find out that I’m a binge drinker on date two.
It took me a good minute to navigate through the different dating sites. I picked about four…thats all I can handle. Here’s a guide for all you non-online daters to the sites.
1. Coffee Meets Bagel (free): The lazy dater’s site. You get one match (a “bagel”) a day. You can either accept or reject your “bagel”. If you both accept each other, a chat room opens for the two of you. There’s a catch. It’s only available for 7 days. So shit or get off the pot. Also, lots of Asians.
2. OKCupid (free, so even drug addicts and derelicts can use it with their hotmail addresses): The poor man’s Match.com. Completely riddled with quizzes and analytics, your decisions will be paralyzed after learning the guy you’ve been checking out is only “55% compatible” with you. This is determined after filling out asinine questionnaires about your dating and sexual preferences. Takes the fun out of date four when you learn your match can’t orgasm without One Direction blaring. Efficient? Maybe.
3. Match (for around a $1 a day you can meet absolutely nobody): Ah, the leading paid matchmaking website. The talent is akin to OKCupid, only these folks may be a bit more desperate because they are PAYING. Also like OKC, it is overwhelming with long, winded profiles and the ability to add albums of your pets and blurry group photos. Match also likes to make sure you two never meet as there are endless ways to passively communicate with each other via “winks”, “likes”, and “I’m interested” carrier pigeons. Also, the site looks like it was built by the Geocities web editor. Use the app.
4. Tinder (1, 2, free): Lower your expectations…and just admit you’re trolling the internet for butt. Swipe left for “No. I will not sleep with you”. Swipe right for “No. Well, maybe. Let’s meet in public for a drink. Just don’t ruin this with a premature dick pic” (I said premature). If you both swipe right, it’s a “match”. Tinder connects you via their in-app messenger and you both can go on to your socially awkward mating dance. Here’s the advantage of Tinder…no profiles, just pictures. Let’s figure out all that other stuff on a date.
So now you’re at least hip to the sites I’ve been fishing in. I haven’t tried eHarmony or Plenty of Fish, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.